June 14th 2016

The smell, it’s so sterile in here. And white. And cold. I want my mom.

Hi. My name is Francie and I have trypanophobia. By definition, this means I have an extreme fear of medical procedures involving injections or hypodermic needles. In fact, 10% of people in America suffer from this phobia—if you do, know you are obviously not alone.

An irrational fear of needles leads a few to believe those that have trypanophobia are a little crazy—but we’re not! And we are fully aware of the fact that there are far scarier things in life than needles. But still, my brain does not welcome the thought of any foreign, cold, sharp object entering any part of my body.

After dealing with this phobia for some time, I have pieced together several pieces of advice in the hopes that it helps you—whatever fear you may have.

#1

Take baby steps. They matter.

I was 20 years old and it was time for my wisdom teeth to come out. For years at every appointment my dentist would urge me to set up a time to for the procedure before they fully grew in aaand guess who never made that appointment? The sole reason I had not was because to lose those stupid teeth I had to deal with a lovely IV.

Flashbacks of being in 7th grade, having a nurse prick my arm with that stupid piece of plastic always came to fruition whenever I even entertained the thought of setting up the appointment. I was sobbing and unaware that gymnastics would lead me to a hospital bed with a broken arm and a broken Olympics dream. 

Alas! Here I was 6 years later and facing yet another IV. The agony! The pain! And then something crazy happened when I finally went through with the procedure: It wasn’t that bad. The pain there wasn’t as big of a deal as I remembered and better yet, I was still alive. While not a needle entirely…

…I was flirting with this phobia. Baby step, check.

January 2004
Acne. Man, what a buzzkill, am I right? When I turned 13 years old I started noticing a few small red bumps on my cheeks and forehead and then they began to multiply. 

One day in middle school I was with a classmate in the library and we were teasing each other back and forth, it was all very harmless until he drew a picture of my face and scribbled little red dots all over. The other kids in the library gasped — all in disbelief of what he had just done and my heart sank. I stood there motionless.

You never forget moments like that, do you?

Those little red dots soon took over my life. I no longer looked people in the eyes. I ducked for photos and dreamt about what it would feel like to have perfect skin — like what I saw in those photoshopped magazines. Thus began my mother's adventures to find help. We went through every single resource, doctor, pill, blue light and topical cream—you name it, it was on my face or in my body. My complexion would positively respond to the different methods from time to time but then like that terrible photo your friends took of you at Mardi Gras in college — my breakouts resurfaced at the most inopportune moments.

January 2013

But the worst was yet to come.

It was when I turned 21 I received a very unwelcome visitor:

Cystic acne meet Francie. Francie meet cystic acne.

I was no longer in the middle school library, rather I was off in college, living life with my sorority sisters and trying to make it to my 8 am classes on time — and NOBODY has time for breakouts in between blackouts and breakups in college. My complexion was a bacteria and toxin-filled battlefield and I knew I was down to my very last option. It had always been that glimmering dark star of hope out in the distance: Accutane.

 #2

Recognize when the time to face your fear comes. You’ll know when you feel it.

June 2016

You bring Accutane up around people and you will receive varied responses. You will find others were on the pill too and you’ll share your own experiences and troubles with each other. And then you’ll find others who don’t agree with your decision

Deciding to go on Accutane is a serious step, and I know how much it can effect one mentally. I did not take this choice lightly—but I had exhausted all my options. Now at 24 years old, I had gone through at least a decade’s worth of doctors, ups and downs and all sorts of medications and trendy methods. Now I was finding new scars on my face every day from all the years of breakouts past. I was so ready to be done.

I thought long and at great length. I knew was mature enough to handle every side-effect and lifestyle change this medication would throw at me. No alcohol, no sunshine, a very healthy diet because Accutane has this not so fun habit of spiking cholesterol up to crazy levels. I know I could no longer enjoy my good friend Pinot Grigio. There could be no days spent out in the sun and I could absolutely not forget to go days without taking this medication. But out of all of this was only one addition I wasn’t sure I would be able to handle: monthly blood draws.

The first few times I walked into the office to check my blood I did so crying and grasping onto my Teddy Grahams box. My phlebotomist was so wonderful and understanding every time I slowly walked back to the room. After a few months, I was greeted with a “Well, how the heck are ya this month, Francie?” Around the time of my final blood draw I realized I learned a valuable lesson in conquering my trypanophobia:

#3

Phobias are only as big and scary as you make them up to be.

I saw that quickly, the day of my blood draw every month became just another errand. Something I needed to do to get where I wanted to be. I'd run off on my lunch break and get 'er done.

I end by speaking to anyone reading this, whatever fear you may be battling, I promise you that you’re bigger than it will ever be. We tend to make our fears up as these scary, beast-like creatures in our minds when in actuality they’re so much less than that. Our fears are more like kittens that won't go away once until they’re cuddled—until they’re faced.

I finally saw my fear for what it truly was, something small—maybe uncomfortable—but worth the end product. I know it’s silly to say this phobia and facing it led me to look at life differently but it did. We cannot let our fears keep us from going after dreams or whatever it is you want in this world. Grasp it, hold onto it and know you’re stronger and bigger than anything that could ever try to hold you back.

And here’s a farewell toast to trypanophobia! It was fun while it lasted.
Side note: Had to undergo an upper endoscopy this past April—and that IV did not stand a chance!